you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
