If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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