listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize