So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
