I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
