Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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