I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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