i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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