Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
