omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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