I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize