I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
