Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
