nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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