I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
