When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
only you would photoshop your dick
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
