the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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