Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
