there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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