Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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