So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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