I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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