I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm sobbing to NWA
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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