he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
