ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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