dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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