I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
