you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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