On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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