mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize