if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
