is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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