I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
