she woke up with a sticky ear
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
