This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize