I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
