I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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