I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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