I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
