Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
