My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
