It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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