so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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