I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
