I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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