guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
