Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
