last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
tell me about the fingering
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