I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
