you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
