make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
