I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I just found a bag of teeth...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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