I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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