I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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