Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
