You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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