I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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