they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
