you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize