U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
