Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
