By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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