Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
