this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
