Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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